a time long forgotten

you know, it almost seems funny the way we met. i thought you were a nice, cute girl and you are a nice, cute girl.

and somehow it also seems as if we both knew it was just waiting to happen. couples that don't talk aren't very normal i suppose, even if we are both cordial to each other.

and so it happened today as i took the bus back to school from holland v, a nagging feeling plagued me that this was it, that it was gonna end today. was i scared? yea i guess so, you're always afraid of these kinda things, always afraid you wouldnt be strong enough to withstand it.

somehow the image of a roller coaster came into my mind. the moment just before you plunge into that dark dark tunnel, the wheels screeching, the coaster bending, turning like a deranged animal, throwing you around and around and you dunt know when its gonna end.

just waiting at the top of the drop, waiting for hell to break loose, i guess that was someting like how i felt just now. but somehow, i guess i also remembered that roller coasters had seat belts.

so i went back to school. thoughts in a flurry. went to the hub but my friend told me she was in the gym, so i guess there was where i went next. how ironic, that the place where i spent most of my time would be that place.

we talked. i cant remember about what exactly, details elude me, only the vague references to she needing stability and security and i being immature and playful. also something about her being cold naturally and stand offish.

well, i guess the only real words i heard came after i asked her a question:
"so, youre just waiting after a levels to end it lah?"

what does it feel like to have something which youve dreaded confirmed in front of you. yea sure, youre prepared for it but it still gives u a tingle, it still zaps you some.

i guess the past few months have been something like a premonition. what does it feel like to continue living in a relationship that you know is doomed to end one day? do you continue to put in effort in the hope that things might change? i guess i did this. do you just heck care cos its gonna end anyway? i guess i did this too.

ambivalence is well...a hard to explain sensation. its almost like a crush kinda love. sometimes you feel as if ure on the most absolute high when we both verify our feelings. sometimes, when tings dunt go so well, you feel as if its gonna end right now.

i guess tings arent very ambivalent anymore. but i hope we both left with fond memories. i know i have. things are hard for her as well and i hope i can be there to support her.

i think that it is pretty hard to convey just what i am trying to say right now. the feelings are all around me. its like a mini windstorm thats unfurling around you but you feel nothing inside.

perhaps the best way to remember this would be by feelings.

it felt like the sun on a rainy day
it felt like a moon on a cloudless night
like the trees on a stormy bay
like the fire that burns in the night

so i guess this is really it then. i dont think we'll ever go back again. i don't think we would want to be together again

its like two horses pulling in two seperate directions. one that wants to run far away and one that hopes to fly.

maybe in another world we could have been together. just maybe. how romantic.

two horses running away. two horses pulling astray.

i guess when we do look back on this 30, 40, 50 years later, we';d both laugh and think "was i really that silly? pwah!!"

or maybe it will be a time long forgotten. who knows, as time passes and we never see each other, maybe we'd be relegated to the dusty corners of memory....

but hey, i'd always have fond memories of you