the importance of being earnest
funny isnt it, how people only really start thinking about their lives when they hit a crossroads. it could be at 20, 30 or 40, anytime youve got a zero behind your age that means nothing other than the fact that you havent done anything with your life yet.
or it could be at any of those "crossroads" ages, like sweet 16, or 18, or 21, or 50. you know, ages that society plays up, ages at which u magically metamorphosize into some other being.
its funny how values change as well. we both have so different values. at least youre firm in yours. mine's so unstable that one moment i tell myself that safety and security and earning lots of money is what i should do in life and another minute im telling myself that its a sell out. that they dont tell you that once you start making money, you dont want to stop cos you cant.
on the spiritual front, its another ongoing battle inside for the property of Timmy, batteries included. christianity or the new age movement? and somehow timmy still believes that both can be reconcilied even when his pastor and his devout friend have told them they are diametrically opposed to each other. timmy wonders why there are no new age-christian pastors or why there were no new age guys who became pastors or pastors who became new age guys just so he can talk to them. he doesnt think they exist here in Singapore, oh no.
in some secret recess of his mind, timmy is scared. of what he doesnt really know. maybe its hell, maybe its meeting a ghost. maybe its meeting a ghost on pulau tekong during his ns stint (cos christians cant see ghosts, or rather, they never meet them cos of the holy spirit's protection). timmy's seen some stuff before. it could be ghosts, it could be himself, he never really knew what he saw but its real guys, more real than u can imagine. and its not like in the movies. if anyone ever told you he saw clearly, a woman dressed in red or the actual face of a woman, dont be inclined to believe him. unless hes naturally gifted, theres no way ghosts look clear or solid. so maybe if he believed in God the ghosts wouldnt come anymore. what a reason to believe.
funny isnt it, how i never thought about them. no, actually i did, but i guess canoeing an school provided an apt distraction. school still does, cos of the A levels but after that, what now? firm grounds gone away, time for shaky ground to start. feels just like work again, back in sec 3 an 4. knowing your boss thinks youre an idiot. your co worker says that yea you work hard but the boss aint very happy cos you dunt work smart. all the itty bitty details of working life that your friends somehow fail to see. they all think its one big beautiful world outside where they can set up their businesses and make loads of money.
well, i guess to some extent its true for them. theyve got the contacts, theyve got the money from their parents. why shouldnt they succeed? the rich gets richer while the poor gets poorer. anyone who claims they arent rich are simply lying. the poor dont have to claim anything, they just look at you with sad sad eyes and laugh in your face.
just the other day on Sunday, ok yesterday, i was seated around a table in church with my cousin (whos 27) and some other 20 plus yr old guy. for some reason, although we could talk, i felt seperated from them. maybe its the vast difference in ages but if you think about it its not so vast. its simply cos we both belong to different social stratas. one which i am about to enter. time to start reading up about global and local issues. time to read every damn thing that man wrote.
its kinda funny isnt it, how we all try to fit into society when some of us want to et away from it and just live life far from the madding crowd.
i suppose its this innate desire to "see the world", to go places like the artic regions and the deserts, places where nobody lives, in the hope that somehow, by going there, timmy can save himself. how heroic. how empty. places are what you make of them. timmy isnt better off saving himself in Iraq and seeing the horrors of war than he is here in Singapore trying to eke out a living.
how to reconcile? when a part of you wants to go away an grow and touch the stars, maybe come back alive and with a little knowledge and the other part of you says stay here, contribute to society like you should, its ok to take the beaten path that everyone else takes.
there is no way that these two things can be reconciled. not now, not ever. timmy is dead. long live timmy.
or it could be at any of those "crossroads" ages, like sweet 16, or 18, or 21, or 50. you know, ages that society plays up, ages at which u magically metamorphosize into some other being.
its funny how values change as well. we both have so different values. at least youre firm in yours. mine's so unstable that one moment i tell myself that safety and security and earning lots of money is what i should do in life and another minute im telling myself that its a sell out. that they dont tell you that once you start making money, you dont want to stop cos you cant.
on the spiritual front, its another ongoing battle inside for the property of Timmy, batteries included. christianity or the new age movement? and somehow timmy still believes that both can be reconcilied even when his pastor and his devout friend have told them they are diametrically opposed to each other. timmy wonders why there are no new age-christian pastors or why there were no new age guys who became pastors or pastors who became new age guys just so he can talk to them. he doesnt think they exist here in Singapore, oh no.
in some secret recess of his mind, timmy is scared. of what he doesnt really know. maybe its hell, maybe its meeting a ghost. maybe its meeting a ghost on pulau tekong during his ns stint (cos christians cant see ghosts, or rather, they never meet them cos of the holy spirit's protection). timmy's seen some stuff before. it could be ghosts, it could be himself, he never really knew what he saw but its real guys, more real than u can imagine. and its not like in the movies. if anyone ever told you he saw clearly, a woman dressed in red or the actual face of a woman, dont be inclined to believe him. unless hes naturally gifted, theres no way ghosts look clear or solid. so maybe if he believed in God the ghosts wouldnt come anymore. what a reason to believe.
funny isnt it, how i never thought about them. no, actually i did, but i guess canoeing an school provided an apt distraction. school still does, cos of the A levels but after that, what now? firm grounds gone away, time for shaky ground to start. feels just like work again, back in sec 3 an 4. knowing your boss thinks youre an idiot. your co worker says that yea you work hard but the boss aint very happy cos you dunt work smart. all the itty bitty details of working life that your friends somehow fail to see. they all think its one big beautiful world outside where they can set up their businesses and make loads of money.
well, i guess to some extent its true for them. theyve got the contacts, theyve got the money from their parents. why shouldnt they succeed? the rich gets richer while the poor gets poorer. anyone who claims they arent rich are simply lying. the poor dont have to claim anything, they just look at you with sad sad eyes and laugh in your face.
just the other day on Sunday, ok yesterday, i was seated around a table in church with my cousin (whos 27) and some other 20 plus yr old guy. for some reason, although we could talk, i felt seperated from them. maybe its the vast difference in ages but if you think about it its not so vast. its simply cos we both belong to different social stratas. one which i am about to enter. time to start reading up about global and local issues. time to read every damn thing that man wrote.
its kinda funny isnt it, how we all try to fit into society when some of us want to et away from it and just live life far from the madding crowd.
i suppose its this innate desire to "see the world", to go places like the artic regions and the deserts, places where nobody lives, in the hope that somehow, by going there, timmy can save himself. how heroic. how empty. places are what you make of them. timmy isnt better off saving himself in Iraq and seeing the horrors of war than he is here in Singapore trying to eke out a living.
how to reconcile? when a part of you wants to go away an grow and touch the stars, maybe come back alive and with a little knowledge and the other part of you says stay here, contribute to society like you should, its ok to take the beaten path that everyone else takes.
there is no way that these two things can be reconciled. not now, not ever. timmy is dead. long live timmy.
posted by tim tay at 9:25 AM
1 Comments:
i'm unstable too. i used to be pretty sure of what i believed to be true in life... but i'm not so sure anymore...
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