my dad

i think as you get older, you tend to see yourself in your parents. its like you are unconsciously playing out the same game that they once did and try as you might, you just cant stop it. true, you might have a totally different character and totally different outlook to life, but its uncanny how the decisions they make and feelings you have are so much of a similar nature.

i see my mother in myself and i see my dad in myself too. im sure you do as well. in some ways its pretty interesting cos my parents are such contrasting figures. my dad is a loner, my mom is a social person. my mom is a perfectionist, my dad is very happy go lucky. yes, i am both, as close friends of mine would know my slack streak and my perfectionistic streak, both of which are oxymoronic in nature when placed together.

its funny. i came home today at around 1030pm, after my muay thai class and i went to bathe. after which i went into my parents room to say hi to my mom (for some reason its some ritual of mine, saying hi to my mother when i get home). well, apparently she wasnt home and only my dad was at home alone. my sis went for a stayover or something.

my dad has no friends. i say this with conviction because he never ever goes out with anyone except my family. he doesnt really make an effort to contact his brothers or sisters either, only seeing them at family reunions and stuff like that. its a ....well....i dunno, its strange cos i feel sad for him. should i? i dont exactly have the right to feel sorry for him but i think that if i was in the same position, i would feel bloody sad. its strange, cos i hardly talk to him. my sis hardly talks to him as well. its like....hes in the house but i never really knew him as a person.

i mean, when ure younger and you have school and friends, you dont really think about stuff like this. i mean sure, ure aware of it, but you dont do anything about it cos .... youre just lazy. or even worse, you dont care. is it like some older generation thing? where dads and their kids dont talk and they just bring back the bacon? it feels very empty, like there never was any father figure in my life. its like, all my life, ive had to learn things by trial and error. usually more error and error again and again until it gets drilled into my head.

people say im risky and that i have a high risk tolerance. i have to, there is no other choice. what other way can a person possibly learn then by screwing up time and again and learning the hard way. roll with the punches eh? but sometimes its a little too painful, just a little too painful and you wonder why why why doesnt some father or some father figure come along and tell you what you have to do. and guide you, for god's sake cos you just so so tired of screwing up again and again. its like its drains you and you get sucked dry no matter how optimistic you try to be theres always one punch you didnt see coming and you just cant roll with it.

if i had kids, i would teach them how to live properly. but again, its hard isnt it? how do you teach your kids when the best teacher is life itself. you gotta let them get hurt right? so theyll come back stronger and all that bullshit they feed you in the movies.

i bet you feel the same way too. somewhere, somehow, you just needed a little bit of guidance. i dunno, it might be for the simplest things you know....like how do you talk to someone you just met. or how do you treat a girl? or stuff like making someone feel wanted and part of the group, or what do you do on a date? how do you find balance in a relationship?

or it might be about the difficult things as well. like should you always pursue your dreams to the exclusion of everything else? why would you wanna get married? how do you stay humble, loyal and retain your integrity in a shitty world?

you know, stuff like that that nobody ever really talks about cos everyone thinks everyone should know what to do but really nobody has the clearest, faintest idea what to really do. sometimes you wish it was like the movies and you are the young whatever with a sensei or whatever guiding you and moulding you. like obi wan kenobi or james bond or whatever macho hero catches your fancy.

its like, they always seemed to know what to do all the time, which is why i think that good teachers are so hard to find cos teaching isnt baout giving them the knowledge but also imparting wisdom as well. you arent really a teacher unless youve changed and touched people's lives and theyve changed or opened themselves up cos of you. if it were that easy, everyone could become a teacher. hell, even i could become a teacher.

hanging by a thread
with gossamer gentle; light
but heavy inside

the strongest gales cannot
unpick its strings
but a single stab of a branch
is enough to rend asunder

still, look!
the spider weaves again
it is no more sad than the raindrop that falls off a leaf
nor the tree whose
shadow runs away at night