moments

wow, lifes really going at full pace nowadays...from the all nighter with joseph, ben, alex, bern, marcus an nick on new years eve/day to the soccer night with beer and all with my mates to soccer with ben's church which ended with an unfortunate and accidental muay thai knee and split head haha. hope the fellas ok now.

this is a typical blog entry because ther has been no time to think and no time to reflect, so little days left to enlistment in ns, no time to breathe. its just go go go all the time, go out with friends, soccer, church, family, birthday celebration, no rest and im so fatigued that sometimes i think i would just drop dead but somehow it has also ignited a corresponding passion for life.

seems like i am only alive when i am doing things. i guess its pretty much the same for everyone else. everyone likes being busy, well, at busy doing the things they like. do they give meaning to your life? i dunno. i guess what im doing now does give some meaning to my life. i can at least classify it as the "after a levels and before ns" period of time that i will forever remember as a time of fun in the sun with good mates and better activities.

funny huh? i thought that mindless activity like this would be meaningless but there have always been moments in between with much meaning in them.

like this one.

i was in church last sunday and my youth pastor came up to me and told me that they 2were going to pray for all the guys going into NS, which is like me and one other guy.

he looked at me straight in the eye and said :"we're gonna pray for all the guys going into NS so dont run away....dont run away..ok?"

i guess i saw it on two levels. superficially speaking, i always zao church and i rarely go down for cell group cos well...im not christian. those who are close to me will know my situation. but i guess spiritually i felt it on another level as well. its something like a half plea, half advice kinda thing. like he sorta knows that ive already turned my back on it and that hes trying to get me to change my mind. only time will tell if the path i took is the one that was meant for me to take.

he said it with a straight face but his face was tinged with a touch of sadness...or maybe i was reading a little too much into it as usual. hes usually a cheery youth pastor but he turns serious and almost morose when he speaks to me. perhaps cos i hardly speak at all in church. i dunt really talk to anybody and i keep to myself. its wierd and you kinda feel all alone which is ironic cos in church, nobody is supposed to feel all alone. but i do.

and its a cycle that just repeats itself again and again. how long will it be before something, anything happens?

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heres another moment.

on new years eve, we were all at the esplanade. joseph, ben, marcus, bern, nick and i. alex came later.

but thats just the location and the characters involved. there was a live band playing and they were pretty good but i sat on the siderails. the ones bordering the kallang river where it opens up to the sea. the one with the docks just behind it. the one with the CBD just behind it, with the OUB building and the merlion glowing softly in the night. the lights reflecting off the water. and the water itself was strangely calm and undulating.


there was a bridge. that bridge. the one where we rowed as one team during Junefest. and there was the other bridge, where our hopes were raised and dashed just like the waves dashed against the breakwaters lining the bay area. its funny at times like this...you think to yourself...was it worth it? and you remember their faces. the juniors, sitting at the back, shit scared. its their first junefest and theyve just screwed up nationals big time. morale is at an all time low. the starter is lining up the boats and theyre shit scared. theyre scared to fail, just like anybody is, really.

the seniors are mostly in front. pek hongs in front of me. terence is besides him. shiwei rows besides me. lionel is behind him. i forget who rowed behind me. i think it was auggie but im not too sure...such are the tricks memory and time play on us. i look behind and the juniors are shit scared at the back. weiyuan's quiet like he always is under pressure. people are different. some ppl fire up under pressure. others go into a protective shell. others lash out at others. weve been trained not to lash out at each other. so some go into their shells. its ok cos its their thing and theyre focused on the task in front of them. but not when the juniors are shit scared. not when ppl need guidance.

im scared too. not scared as in piss in your pants scared. im scared cos i dunt want to fuck up. im scared cos deep inside me, i dont know if everyone in the boat will go out 100%. im scared cos if they dunt go out 100% things will majorly fuck up.im scared cos i know the juniors will not go out 100%.

its a funny thing, being in a dragonboat. to row properly, you must first trust yourself. if you trust yourself and you know you are doing your best, the thought of other people not rowing their hardest or doing their best will not enter your mind. if youve always rowed your best, youd be confident in your ability and in others abilities. the trouble comes when you dunt always row your best cos other ppl are slacking or other people are complaining or not doing their part. its a cyclical arguement. its a give and take situation. its a recipe for disaster.

and if you dont know you are going to row your best and if you dunt know if other people are going to row their best, you wont do it. its really that simple. there are no two ways about it. its pretty hard to cover up in a dragonboat. sure, u can bluff everyone but you cant bluff yourself.

and so i sat there and i remembered myself shouting at the juniors. i tell them to wake up and be strong. i tell them to row as one and fire them up. i see their sluggish faces. all you have to do is look into a guy's eyes and you will nkow for certain if he has what it takes. i look at them and my heart sinks cos i know they are overawed. and theyre fucking scared.

let me tell you a secret. its my first june fest too. we didnt row junefest back in J1 cos of SARS. i have absolutely no experience as far as the conditions are concerned. does that make me shit scared as well? sure it does. but youre a senior and you cant let em see you shaking. its a policy we have. never let them see you sweat. never let them see you break down. youre something of a superhuman to them. youre mythical.

so you take comfort in your teammates. i turned to terence.

"are you ready for hell?"

and sooner than you think, faster than you know, quicker than your heart is ready, the horn goes off.

your brain goes blank. its a whiteout and animal instinct takes over. fear channels into pure need. the need to release the pressure and frustration and fear and hopes and dreams and everything in between.

there is a split second pause between the whiteout and the adrenal rush. your muscles that felt fatigued and sluggish before now kick start into action. the first pull is the most powerful one, meant to break the inertia of the boat. the water churns up and a mini tidal wave forms behinds everyones paddle. a dull thud registers. if you have ever been in a dragonboat that kick starts powerfully, the feeling of a start is something to be experienced. its like a mini explosion of power. you can hear it even cos the air bubbles driven into the water impact against the hull of the boat. the dragon awakes.

too sluggish. much too sluggish. some of em havent woken up yet...already the other boats are pulling away after the first 10 strokes or so. those are boats with men inside them and we are merely boys. but the dragonboat has always been more about heart than it is about physical strength.

the waves are high and our dragonboat rocks from side to side. steering is an art and any minor mistake is costly. our coxen holds us straight and we bite the waves. straight on, into hell, muscles burning, lungs heaving.

we're young and high, we'll never die. we're young and high, we'll never die.

when the dragonboat hits the waves, on side is pushed up and the other is pushed down. paddles dig into air and coordination is lost. this means that maximum force isnt being pushed into the water from all the paddles working simultaneously. the other side digs into the water and their muscles burn more. water pours into the boat. we arent sinking, but we arent flying either. and then it drops down and a wave catches you in the face. you cant see nuts and you have to coordinate with the fella in front of you. shoulders burning, past past the wave. spit, spit, blink hard cos the salt is stinging your eyes.

a foot slips on the slippery floor and you lose your base for a second or so. the boat loses your strokes for a second or so. fuckup. press on, it aint over yet.

a voice hollers, hang on to your paddles! dont lose em! (or well be disqualified). the paddles are new and shiny. theyre also motherfucking slippery. a wave hits, its almost wrenched out of my grasp. it doesnt fly, but it turns sideways. readjust, dig in. strokes getting shorter, people getting tired. the coach blows the whistle. kenneth blows the whistle. its a signal for a hard 10 strokes, full stretch. you fucking hate this whistle cos your bloody tired and you gotta give it your all.

1...2...10 and you wished it was all over. its on fire right now. press on, dig in. force the body to recover.

let me tell you another secret. everyone thinks of giving up. everyone. from the most incompetent amateur to the world's best maestro, everyone thinks of giving up at one point of time or another.

heres another secret. you can think all this and you do think all this but the choice is always yours to take. and sometimes, people can give up and then come back again...all in the space of a few minutes in the race.

so we rowed, with our hopes and dreams and lives and loves and bodies and soul and wishes and .... was it worth it?

cos the last secret is ... we didnt win the race. well, some of us won and some of us lost, thats a more accurate statement i guess.

my reverie was interrupted at this point of time by a security gard who asked me to get down fro the railing for fear of me falling over. into the kallang river, with my hopes and dreams and fears and lives and loves and bodies and souls and wishes...

and you know what? i asked myself if it was worth it. i did. i questioned the existence of a period of time in which i gave my all to an ideal and it didnt turn out the way i expected. not worse or better...just not the way i expected it to turn out.

life's funny right? you do everything right, or you think you do everything right and then you find out youre wrong, all along youre wrong wrong wrong, or maybe mistaken, or blinded.

and so you think about such times, again and again, especially when u visit those places where they once happened. you sit and sigh and people ask you why youre so quiet. actually, they dont. they cant be fucking bothered. but youd wish theyd ask you why you were quiet so you could tell them everything. they still dont ask, so you tell them anyway cos you have tog et it off your chest.

sometimes i wonder if we won that race. i cant remember, really. and if i told you we won itd be a lie and if i told you we lost, that would be a lie too.

but what i do remember was my juniors and they were shit scared and so was i. and we went into hell together. well, not Hell hell, but hell nonetheless.

and i remember now that i was sitting at the esplanade besides the bay on the railing remembering myself shouting at the juniors who were shit scared.

and i remember now that we won.

but hey, you cant really trust what ive said right? after all, i could have made this all up and wrote this down cos im just bored right now with nothing to do...

yea thats it.