waterloo sunset

seems like nowadays its a different ballgame. i cant help but get the feeling that everyone around me is slowly but surely getting into the money game. people are working for money. people are talking about money and power and well all that is well and good but somehow i dunt feel the same way or share any of their youthful exuberance when it comes to money.

i mean, sure, money is needed in this world and we should all be comfortable with it. but somehow.....its like people are engrossed with attaining it to the exclusion of everything else. power and money. money and power. to have loads of cash means you can afford the house of your dreams, the car of your dreams, the girl of your dreams. having loads of cash is always fun i guess, who wouldnt want to have loads of cash? i would.

its almost like playing one-up except that its on a larger scale and the stakes are higher. and somehow something inside me is already tiring of this endless race for making more and more cash to buy more and more stuff.

i went out with a girl last week and she told me that she would never consider marrying a guy who earns less than her cos she wouldnt have the necessary respect for him. well, if this represents the average singaporean girl than id say that they should marry the rich ang mohs that come here and that local guys should start buying brides from china or vietnam (which they are already doing haha). we might even be in trouble haha

seems like love is becoming an equation rather than an...emotion? ironic since the girl herself was talking about how emotions and feelings are important in a relationship and how she needed to have "chemistry". so i guess that means that love is something that has requirements but is also something that is equally boundless and abstract as it is then.

i wish i had loads of cash so that i can stop worrying about small, seemingly insignificant things such as car, house blah blah. i know you feel the same way as well. but, its all a lie, isnt it? and isnt life all a game? the girl was offended when i told her that life is all a game. in fact, i insisted on it.

much as people like to believe that they are in control of the situation and that they are calm and rational people. that they have a future and they are going to continue raking in big bucks or whatever they are doing, one day life is going to give them a right good shot up in the ass.

in fact, this doesnt just happen to people who are consumed by their pursuit of power. it happens to everybody. the point is this: life is a gamble. it rolls a dice all of its own and some people seek solace in religion cos it is a great stabilizing factor but i think that the fact remains, no matter how secure you may feel, its totally random all around you.

people have a problem with randomness. it unsettles them. hell, it unsettles me. god does not play dice with the universe eh? everytime i see someone make a statement that he is in control of everything and everything is smooth sailing, i laugh to myself and think that person is mightily insecure for stating this to the whole wide world.

why state your achievements? i think that you should be proud of them yourself, but humble in front of other people. what is the point? to fuel your own ego? to show the whole world that you are great? yea, maybe you are great in your own right, but still.....that is so american-trash-talk like (sorry im a bit racist) Americans (or at least those i see on the telly) feel a need to reaffirm to themselves and the whole world that they are great. just watch any episode of Fear Factor or Survivor and you will know exactly what i mean. the participants constantly state that they are the best and they will win everyone and marmalade them.

ok, maybe i should be more culturally sensitive here. like maybe confidence to them is being an arrogant asshole to me. after all, i am chinese and im supposed to be filled with filial piety, hardworking ethics and unshakeable belief in the Confucian system.

i used to have a problem with uncertainty. i still do sometimes but it helps when i remind myself that it is all a game. does this sound mightily flippant to you? its not, its deadly serious, yet everyone i tell this to doesnt get it. everyone i tell this to thinks im mad and risky.

how mad and risky can someone get by acknowledging the fact that randomness is a part of life? that it is life. to do so otherwise would be foolhardy and setting yourself up for severe shocks to the system.

"how could this happen?"

"oh, fuck"

i bet you are a bit confused as to the real issue of the post. it really is two issues, although both are related. one has to do with randomness and the fact that life is a gamble. the other has to do with my disdain for power and money, yet the fact that i am beholden to it irks me to no end. the fact that if i wash out and i somehow do not make uni and get a degree, that i will be relegated to the have-nots in society (screw whatever potential or big word they use to describe kids in school) irks me to no end.

the fact that although there are other alternatives to uni, such as striking out and doing your own business and getting rich doesnt make the situation any better cos they also involve working for and the pursuit of money, which if you recall is also one of my pet peeves.(although i have a friend who considers it a game as well, in which case, fair play to him and i hope he succeeds)

life's a gamble, so which way do i roll the dice? do i go for money and power? i suppose i could make it if i work balls to the walls. sheer determination does pay off.

or i could roll the opposite way, the way of my dreams. the way which opens up untold hardship and the fact that i may never ever return to Singapore or see my family and kids grow up. sounds extreme right? but if you have little savings by the time you are 40, dont think of retiring and living in Singapore, which by then would boast an extremely high standard of living.

and yes, though i hope to pass through the world, cataloguing, indulging, learning about it all. the feeling of uncertainty still pervades. im damn bloody paranoid about getting shot and killed by racist skinheads, for some reason. also, the fact that i will be a second class citizen or maybe even third class or outcast member of society also enters my mind.

questions like how will i survive (not live, mind you) and of course, the eternal question.....Is It Worth It? and What Is The Point Of Screwing Yourself?

people call me masochistic but what they fail to realise is that everything is but a matter of perspective. they see things from their angle and i see things from mine. we cannot change each others' perspective, not without a lot of friction and unhappiness. the trick, ive learnt, is to understand and accept the perspective. its a bit like window shopping. sometimes you see a good that looks really good but on closer glance has flaws. sometimes you see an ugly good but its very useful. but in the end, it is up to you to go back home and get the cash to buy it.

from my perspective, this is what i see. i see that i am some one who knows much too little for his own good. i see someone who is weak and who is inexperienced. i crave, if that word can be used, for knowledge and guidance and frankly speaking, i will do whatever it takes to get it.

by staying here and pursuing the rat race, i am letting myself fall into a trap that is older than mankind. i feel that i am falling into a situation where an endless cycle prevails, that of societal conformity and societal conformity bringing acceptance and well-being.

i am NOT saying that this is all bad and you should not strive for it. please dont come and blast me by saying im naive and that human beings are social creatures blah blah. i know this already. but from young, there is a prevailing sense that i have always been on the fringes of society, looking in. its almost as if i am an observer travelling through time and society.

that desire in me has only grown stronger as i grow older. i do cherish my friends very very much and i do hope we continue to keep in touch. what is more enrichiing than good talk over a cup of coffee or beer late into the nights. that is a future i hope to realise with all of you. that i can bring back stories to share and you too, can tell me your stories and maybe we will all feel a little bit better, a little bit more secure about the future.

even though it is a sort of illusion, feeling secure about the future, it is still worth it, isnt it? i truly believe in the saying that ignorance is bliss. i cannot imagine a time that i was happier than when i was a child. i think you might feel the same way too.

and in the end, before i die, i hope to remember everything. because, i really am a traveller through life, as are you. that is our triumph and that is our tragedy, as Gaimen would put it. what makes life so sweet is cos of its finite nature. for all our philosophical ramblings and inane talk, we are all travellers in an airport.

if i met you, then we must have met in the traveller's lounge. sometimes we part and maybe you fly off to zimbabwe and i go to paris. our routes diverge and connect, again and again. sometimes routes never connect ever again and then i have lost a friend but not the memory.

if you or i walk out of the airport, then we are never seen again and yet the airport continues, with its bustling activity and its constantly glaring lights.

we meet many people along the way. some are travelling the same way as us and we welcome them. some go in opposite directions. "i hear that india is a great place to holiday!" "oh heavens no! theres a bloody civil war going on there!"

its funny, cos those going in opposite directions still go even after they tell each other their opinions.

when you look out of the windows of the airport, what do you see?

some see planes being refueled on the ground. they see baggage being tossed and lugged around. they smell the acrid scent of airplane fuel and the anti-bacterial wipes.

but others, when they look out the window, they see planes taking off, soaring into the night sky.

where do you want to go today?