neverwhere
you know, sometimes its funny. you go to sleep and then some dream comes along and its so vivid that you remember almost every detail. those you cant remember you are able to make up so perfectly it seems as if it really happened as well.
and then once you wake up you wonder why you remembered the dream at all. and then you realise it was important that you remembered, cos its after all a part of you and if we didnt remember ourselves, then we wouldnt be ourselves, would we?
so yesterday i found myself back in kallang again. the dreamscape wasnt kallang, not by far. too narrow, too few boats, the banks of the river were wrong. but it felt like kallang. down to the wind and blade of grass, it felt just like kallang. im sure you understand what i mean when you visit a place in your dreams. on the outside its seemingly different but yet the essence is undeniably the same, undeniably so alike its midway between haunting and exhilerating.
and so it was really kallang that i visited, and i remember myself talking to people on the pier. pek hong, terence, zhenghao was there and so was sulynn, yina, even kenneth and nik who was coaching again. haha how quaint, that people who are supposed to be dead and gone can still come alive in dreams again. nik doesnt coach anymore but yet in my dream there he was, imperial as ever, the big brother, ever watching, ever sure.
i rowed a K1. it looked strangely like Cepheus, although it could have been Bloodhound because it was thin and sleek and bloodhound was always my favourite K1, even though its rather old and rickety. i rowed bloodhound/cepheus and pek hong was besides me cept that he was playing around and was rowing a T2 with one person only (himself). i remember he was in front. and we were rowing side by side.
and usually i suck in a K1 cos my balance has not evolved to a high standard (im a K2 rower) but here there was nothing the waves or currents could do to tip me over. it cut through the water like a knofe through hot butter. i swear i even felt my muscles aching and burning from the exertion. abs burning, lats heaving, shoulders under the strain, all while the paddle went swish through the air leaving the trademark trail of water droplets behind it.
i remember thinking to myself that was pretty darn unfit and it would take some time to retrain myself again.
and then it hit me. i woke up in my dream. it sounds strange but it really can happen. you realise you're in a dream and that its so called only a dream. and that i can never really go back to kallang to train again. that that path has been closed to me forever. yes, i can go back to row ya, but somehow the feeling is different. youve become old and youve past your prime, you will never compete again. i know i will never compete again. i made that promise to myself after my last race. maybe its to preserve the memories because they really are beautiful and they are bourne out of so much sacrifice on everyone's part.
i woke up feeling...like my insides had been squished. if you never had something you really loved and pursued with all your energy and heart and soul and something you really believed in taken away from you (gently i might add) at the end of a period of time, then you can never really understand what we all felt and still feel. its the feeling of loss that came with the dream that was haunting, but in the end you learn to move on.
and so i thought again about yesterday and the religious debates with ben, jianwei and joseph at dinner until 940pm (basket, we got a levels you know). im going to hell, and so is jianwei for certain. sometimes you do get really scared about going to hell and other times you brush it aside and hope the material world can make up for it, and that tim can save timmy's life with more stories and dreams again. but perhaps, deep down, you do really believe and you do really want to do what is right but it is difficult.
i really hope that one day an angel or something will come into my dreams and then somehow i will miraculously believe. ive always been a dreamer. how apt that it should be in my dreams that i finally touch an angel (assuming he can be touched).
well, i dont suppose that its going to happen just like that but as long as we all have hopes, we can still dream, and who knows, sometimes dreams do come true, for those who search enough.
and then once you wake up you wonder why you remembered the dream at all. and then you realise it was important that you remembered, cos its after all a part of you and if we didnt remember ourselves, then we wouldnt be ourselves, would we?
so yesterday i found myself back in kallang again. the dreamscape wasnt kallang, not by far. too narrow, too few boats, the banks of the river were wrong. but it felt like kallang. down to the wind and blade of grass, it felt just like kallang. im sure you understand what i mean when you visit a place in your dreams. on the outside its seemingly different but yet the essence is undeniably the same, undeniably so alike its midway between haunting and exhilerating.
and so it was really kallang that i visited, and i remember myself talking to people on the pier. pek hong, terence, zhenghao was there and so was sulynn, yina, even kenneth and nik who was coaching again. haha how quaint, that people who are supposed to be dead and gone can still come alive in dreams again. nik doesnt coach anymore but yet in my dream there he was, imperial as ever, the big brother, ever watching, ever sure.
i rowed a K1. it looked strangely like Cepheus, although it could have been Bloodhound because it was thin and sleek and bloodhound was always my favourite K1, even though its rather old and rickety. i rowed bloodhound/cepheus and pek hong was besides me cept that he was playing around and was rowing a T2 with one person only (himself). i remember he was in front. and we were rowing side by side.
and usually i suck in a K1 cos my balance has not evolved to a high standard (im a K2 rower) but here there was nothing the waves or currents could do to tip me over. it cut through the water like a knofe through hot butter. i swear i even felt my muscles aching and burning from the exertion. abs burning, lats heaving, shoulders under the strain, all while the paddle went swish through the air leaving the trademark trail of water droplets behind it.
i remember thinking to myself that was pretty darn unfit and it would take some time to retrain myself again.
and then it hit me. i woke up in my dream. it sounds strange but it really can happen. you realise you're in a dream and that its so called only a dream. and that i can never really go back to kallang to train again. that that path has been closed to me forever. yes, i can go back to row ya, but somehow the feeling is different. youve become old and youve past your prime, you will never compete again. i know i will never compete again. i made that promise to myself after my last race. maybe its to preserve the memories because they really are beautiful and they are bourne out of so much sacrifice on everyone's part.
i woke up feeling...like my insides had been squished. if you never had something you really loved and pursued with all your energy and heart and soul and something you really believed in taken away from you (gently i might add) at the end of a period of time, then you can never really understand what we all felt and still feel. its the feeling of loss that came with the dream that was haunting, but in the end you learn to move on.
and so i thought again about yesterday and the religious debates with ben, jianwei and joseph at dinner until 940pm (basket, we got a levels you know). im going to hell, and so is jianwei for certain. sometimes you do get really scared about going to hell and other times you brush it aside and hope the material world can make up for it, and that tim can save timmy's life with more stories and dreams again. but perhaps, deep down, you do really believe and you do really want to do what is right but it is difficult.
i really hope that one day an angel or something will come into my dreams and then somehow i will miraculously believe. ive always been a dreamer. how apt that it should be in my dreams that i finally touch an angel (assuming he can be touched).
well, i dont suppose that its going to happen just like that but as long as we all have hopes, we can still dream, and who knows, sometimes dreams do come true, for those who search enough.
posted by tim tay at 10:33 AM
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