i feel old

wow, its been a while since i've last blogged....5 months in fact. and i wonder why im here all over again.

for a period of time, ive been really busy. im still busy. in fact, im busier than before and all im thinking now is that its been one hell of a roller coaster ride. from heaven to hell to heaven and back again until i dont even know which way is up or down anymore.

im halfway through my course in OCS and i feel old. i feel as if ive aged 2 or 3 years. i feel as if im 21 or 23 but im not. im 19 years, 7 months old, almost to the day and its only been 8 months since ive stepped into the army.

people in the army look older. they act older. sometimes. sometimes they act retarded, especially people in charge of other people. i pray everytime that im in charge that i treat others with kindness and compassion and with understanding. and that i put in more than my fair share of work. those bastards.

so many things have happened in these short five months.
ive learnt how to lead, just a little bit more.
ive led guys to greater heights, at least i think i did and i believe i did.
ive failed and fallen, pretty hard.
i got back together and i broke up again and that really tore me up cos i really thought we had a chance. and it almost destroyed me. almost.
i came back from my depression and now im all burnt out and im wondering when this is ever going to end.

im burnt out.

i need relief but if anything, we are going to be pushed harder than before. ive got my friends, but theyre new and untested, not like the strong bonds we had back in Foxtrot safti. time to build bonds again. they say you arent really a leader unless you invest an emotional stake in your guys. people get burnt.

and i suppose ive learned a lot. from talking to a lot of people, older than me, wiser than me. my majors, my sergeant major (who screwed me good for being a pussy).

most of all i think ive learnt just a little bit more about what its like out there. people arent gonna sit you down and talk to you nicely out of your troubles. theyre there to put you down when you cant go any lower and all you can really do is keep your chin up and keep fighting. and keep smiling and laughing.

my whole life is the army now. i feel alienated from the rest of the world. when i book out, i look at crowds with new eyes. im surprised to see so many colours, so many faces, females...
i know now that war is a terrible thing and if an army camp can do this kinda shit to you, then war must be a million times worse. if you arent in the army, chances are that its gonna be hard for me to talk to you on a conversational level (but we can always try)

its been intense, emotional and...long?
brunei, biang, spade, tekong, patrol field camp section field camp leadershipfieldcamp sleepovers runs moments of joy shared moments of anguish. girlfriends. girlfriends who break up with you. girlfriends who break up with your mate when he planned a whole fucking social night dinner for her. bitch. everyones problem is your problem. and vice versa.

sometimes i think my ocs life ended in foxtrot safti and a new one is beginning in sungei gedong, where im posted as an armour officer cadet.

sometimes i think people just need an outlet for all their frustrations. its been a long time.

if you wanna hear about all the stories, its gonna take many nights and many cups of coffee before all is said and done.

all in all, i think we've all grown just a little bit wiser, and maybe a little bit more bitter about things as well.

such is life.