shackles

and as usual, as life works its little tricks and magic again, i find myself in ocs. the exact place where i was working so hard not to go, i end up in.

people get culture shocks, i got a culture meltdown. just about everything there goes against what i believe in. basically, they believe in the 7 core values and they drill that into you. although you get a lot more autonomy than in bmt, there is always the feeling that you will get fucked for the slightest error.

and when u do u get it badly. march improperly and you get 3 weekends burnt. confinement is dished out like free and even book out timings are not fixed. we were supposed to book out at about 430 but ended up coming out at 730 cos of slow movement and area cleaning. shit like that. and we book in the next day.

they tell you that they expect 100% all the time. get serious man, no human being can give 100% all the damn time. if u can than i think you are godlike. people need to relax every once in a while. at least, normal people do.

even the OC is damn particular. we were singing damn loudly and then he stopped us and told us to "sing from yuour hearts, not scream" cos "it sounds different". kaninah u fucking sing la.

standards here are much higher. we are expected to lead everyone. platoon sergeant, platoon commander, CDO and CDS duties are all handled by us. we run the whole damn company literally. and also, cos in my company we are currently the only platoon occupying, we also clean the whole damn building.

the people here are so on that turnouts and fire drills dunt work on us cos we anticipate them. we made the fire drill in 2 min 6 seconds. for turnout, we agreed to wake up at 430 am to do area cleaning before falling in so when the lieutenant came up to turn us out he saw a bunch of people walking about and ready.

i noticed that despite the high ideals that we are supposed to live up to, most ppl do things quickly or efficiently cos they dunt want to be fucked. its a mentality carried over from bmt. they dunt really think about efficiency or how to make life better for everyone. its chiong all the way, even our instructors are surprised that we are so good.

how long can you keep this up? if things dunt get done, our i/c fucks us. imagine, someone your age fucking you. if course you will be buay song la. im alright with it cos i understand where they are coming from, but that doesnt mean i like it one bit. tension is already there and its only 3 days for god's sake. dunt they realise that by setting the bar so high initially, once it drops cos ppl are tired it will become VERY obvious.

bunches of ppl already hate the i/c. we have 4 bruneians and my bunkmate is one of them. very hardworking, polite and pleasant people but even my bunkmate hates the i/c cos he "talks too much" and does nothing. if u can piss off a regular in the royal brunei armed forces within 3 days then i think there just might be a small problem as to how things are being handled.

ideals ideals. everything goes to shit when u get posted to a unit. in ocs, of course its easy to get ppl to do things, cos everyone is so scared of going OOC (out of course) that they will kill to survive here. but in unit, everyone wants to fucking bookout(including me) so of course the same strategy wunt work. and the more u fuck them, the more they will fuck you back, being men.

the instructors are good though. especially one lieutenant in particular. he is from the ADF, a small guy, shorter than me and smalle rin stature but i have the most respect for him. funny huh, how i respect small people, ud think larger ppl have a bigger impact.

in any case, he told us that loyalty to country is bullshit and we probably dunt feel it. but when the time comes "u will feel it, trust me". he speaks from experience cos he was activated for some mission somewhere in the world. within one week, he had to take 30 men to a hotspot in a life or death situation, take care of 1 million dollars worth of equipment and get everyone back in one piece. the amount of responsibilty is crazy.

he also moved out of his house and lived alone for 2 years to see how it is like. he failed his a levels and failed his ranger course too cos the load was simply too heavy for him (i estimate hes about 46 to 48 kilos only) but hes definitely big in heart.

he doesnt suscribe to wayang bullshit, gives leeway and is damn efficient. he would rather get things done and move fast rather than spend loads of time on making it super perfect. in other words, he understand what works and what doesnt and whatever is simply bells and whistles he just cuts out, which is how i feel an officer should be like, practical, not idealistic. nobody is asking u to build a castle in the sky.

its all about image as well. everything must be good. to show off. even the things we say, that we are the best and the elite....is about showing off. they call it pride. i call it stupidity cos if u tell everyone ure good then u damn well better be excellent. and if u cannot live up to it, then how?

leadership is lonely at the top. there is only 1 PC. if u are a sergeant, u have at least 4 to 6 other guys in the same situation. if ure an officer, its pretty much mano a mano. when the shit hits the fan, ure all alone and you have to account for 30 men. thats some major fucked up bullshit going on here. the weight is...very great. its so easy to become half fucked its not even funny anymore.

i look at my bmtc officers and now i realise their situation. its so easy to let standards slip cos if u push too high and too hard, your men will hate u like fuck. if u drop too much, your OC will come down and fuck you from the top. damn.

in a way although it sounds like shit and it most definitely is like shit, i cant help but feel i will grow and learn from this. no point staying in a situation where i will be comfortable in, like in men or being a sergeant. its too easy to chiongsua without responibility. the best officers chiong with their men, and then take care of them after everyone gets back. and then after that, they die alone in their beds. respect. i hope i can be like that.

but im not kidding anyone here, i would rather let other ppl die first. maybe that will change.

full circle

as i sat there in the auditorium. listening, looking, waiting for my name to be read out, i couldnt help but think that JC is truly a dream. i'd already known my results beforehand so the surprise wasnt there anymore, but that doesnt mean i was any less pleased than i should be.

never in my dreams would i have expected all As and especially so for econs, which i don't recall passing at all during my time in acjc. maybe this is truly the ac spirit that they were talking about...performing during crunch time, but slacking at all other times haha.

still, as i sat there, i thanked God. and then i wondered why i thanked him. it was almost instinctive, this thanking of him and so remiscient of that time in p6, when the results were being read out and i was again shot into the clouds. its a great feeling, to feel like you were 12 again and knwoing that you still have a future and you dont have to go the long hard way.

how singaporean, to base my happiness on my results but then again it is more than just the results. its the fact that i somehow unknowingly, by serendipity or just plain dumb luck, have triumphed. over my doubts and fears that JC life will just be as screwed up as secondary school life was. that i would always be the loser. i proved to my parents that i am not a loser but i think the most important thing is that i also proved to myself that i am not a loser and that i can do things with belief.

Belief is such a strong thing. i remember back then, we were all fighting. fighting to win the championship, fighting to keep our grades, fighting to keep our heads above water and high and dry. i remember my grades dropping and dropping and....was there any pressure? i do not think i was pressured internally but externally there was a lot of pressure on me to quit canoeing, to give up my dreams. they asked me to reduce my training, to turn more time to studies. i guess that thought never crossed my mind. it was all or nothing. if training was reduced we would never have achieved what we did.

so out of everything, the girlfriend had to go i guess. and i think it was probably the best and boldest decision that i made at that point of time, along with the decision to carry on rowing. one month before the exams, we broke up. cos of pressures, cos we were incompatible, cos of...

they say fortune favours the bold. and in this case, it really does. life was always a game to be played. if u take it too seriously you'd just be a very bitter person. so we all played and in the end, we all won. by some roll of the dice, by some tinge of luck mixed with some regret, we won.

interestingly, only she and me were the only canoeists to go on stage to receive our certificates cos we both got 3 distinctions. i find that amusing because my econs teacher was saying how couples break up just before the a levels and then they self destruct. but then we werent an ordinary couple, were we dear? somehow the mental strength in training passed on to our lives and maybe that helped us some.

i also remember that before jc started i set out a few goals. that i would throw myself into my cca. not necessarily my studies but canoeing was for me an expression of myself. it exemplifies belief and perserverence and dreams coming true. and the dream has come true. it really has. who says you cannot have the best of both worlds? as long as you believe in yourself and the people around you, great things can always happen. and they did.

our guys did good. we really did. the band of brothers. the bunch of slackers. the horny bastards. the lazy layabouts. we came through when it really mattered and in the end, i bet we still didnt know how the hell we did it (but who cares)

i feel that ive come full circle. somehow i feel completed. that i have left a little bit more of the angsty child behind. that the broken child, after the events of sec school, can once again look to the stars. that my demons are finally left to rest. and i can give rj the finger.

heres to our teachers, mr lynn, mr how(e), miss ganga, mr sinclair ang, miss jaime tan, miss michelle wong, miss liao, miss lai and of course, the unforgettable Madam (who lets me sleep in her class)

and to our band of brothers again, for which support i could not ever do without and who opened my mind to another culture and another way of thinking. i have grown because of this.

and yes, to you, yina. for teaching me more about myself than i would like to admit. you probably wouldnt read this but i have a feeling that i will see you again someday. we arent star crossed lovers but we are both firmly on the ground.