isnt it ironic

how people say one thing and do another?

how man seeks to dominate other people, whether consciously or unconsciously?

a few things make me pissed off. inequality (even though i agree it must exist) is one of them. and so is unequal treatment.

take this example:

a warrant asks me to come back at 430 pm to get a vehicle. i set my alarm for 425 so i have time to get there. i do section drills with my sectionmates under guidance of an officer.

at 425 i tell the officer i have to go and acquire the vehicle for practise tomorrow and that i need one more guy to come with me. he tells me to get someone from the other section (who has already finished the drills) to go with me. i need the guy cos we arent allowed to drive around the compound without a ground guide.

i go to the other section and they are having some competition or something that will not affect their knowledge of the drills. just playing time for them. so i ask one of them to help me and they tell me they cant do it. they say go a little later, wait till we're done.

the time now is around 445. im 15 minutes late cos i cant get a guy to come with me. i go back to the officer and i tell him i need someone fast. he tells me to call the other sections who happen to be having lessons somewhere else. they arent free. nobody can come, so it seems. and this vehicle happens to be a key vehicle used for tomorrow's exercise.

i get pissed and start swearing (under my breath) and i flash a finger to the other section. finally, im able to get one of my guys to come with me.

this incident might seem pretty small if not for a few things that some ppl said.

"aiyah dont worry la, lieutenant higher rank than warrant. just say sir needs you to do section drills"

and also
"er...a bit late nevermind right" (my officer)

ladies and gentlemen, we were half an hour late when i finally got there. half an hour in military terms is amount to suicide.

my question to them is... if someone is of lower rank, does he deserve the same amount of respect as someone who is supposedly "higher up"?

and if officers are so concerned about timings and they fuck everyone around them when timings are not met (even for a minute or so), then why are they not adhering to a simple timing themselves?

the situation is always like this. people higher up are not aware of the shit that percolates down. and if they are aware of it then they should go to hell because they arent doing anything about it.

i realise its damn easy to just slack off when youre at the top but then if you are going to slack off then please dont feed me bullshit about pride and honour and glory and working for your men when you yourself are looking pretty in the mirror when other people are sweating out there in the hot sun and getting screwed.

most of the time, i get the feeling that people in charge dont really know what is going on. at all. i dont want to name names, but the simple fact is that i was assigned 3 different positions and responsibilities and they all changed within a few minutes of each other with other people taking over me. he was simply calling names and people to meet supply and demand without taking into note the bigger picture. (sounds complex but its really very simple. he cant fucking make up his mind as to what he wants to do)

fucking people is a distraction. it is supposed to make up for lack of ability and ignorance. in terms of man management, the army is probably the worst place to go if you want things to get done effectively.

how does saying "fuck you understand" to a person in push up position make up for efficiency, lost time and work done?

also, there seems to be a need to act big in front of so called "men". corporals or sergeants or warrants.

there were other guys with us there at the training site undergoing the same training as us. corporals and sergeants. attached to us.

our in charge had a field day. talking macho big words. cussing, swearing, exuding so much testosterone that if you looked closely, he appeared to be gently steaming.

in front of them, he gestured towards them with an open palm;

"guys, you know who these people are?"
"these people are men"

he might as well have called them chickens, or beef steak.

"they are watching you, so if you fuck around, theyre gonna laugh at you"

at this point of time, a few of them rolled their eyes.

i didnt know where the hell to cover my face. i cant believe that im part of this bullshit.

and then later some other even higher up person comes along and he tells us that we are a "special breed of men" with "IQs of above 100" and "the top 10% of the top 10% from dunno where and when"

who gives a shit when i dont think anybody will be fighting for the top 10% of the top 10% anytime soon with that kinda attitude.

the best part is that some of them actually believe it. they actually buy into it. that they really are that great. fuck you, understand.

just because you want to chiong. doesnt mean that others want to as well. people think that just because they want to do this, others will wanna do it as well. it becomes dangerous and irritating when you have others under you and you think you are god's gift to mankind.

sigh. i can go on and on and on. so many examples.

the ironic thing is that he told me that i could make a difference. i could Not be what i hated. i could make things better for others.

only time will tell.

have you ever had situations in which you recalled details of your past because you suddenly thought of a song? or a place. or maybe even a particular fruit.

nostalgia is that small ache in the hollow of your tummy. cos you know you cant ever ever go back again. you cant ever ever experience things the same way, talk to the same people the same way anymore. and that hurts. a bit.

quite lately, whenever i turn my zen micro on, ive constantly been sent back through time and i find that i link certain songs to certain periods in my life. take this for example: Eve 6's Here's To the Nights makes me feel like the end of service term, when we all split up and went our seperate ways... and we all didnt want to leave but we all knew we had to.

and i can still remember the night i played that song over the speakers to adrian and nikhil. and how for just one moment we all sat in silence, thinking. now nikhil has disrupted and is reading Medicine. and Adrian, the one with the most drive and potential of us all, has ooc-ed. strained nerve in his hand from Spade. sometimes i also think that life has a way of bringing you back down to earth. we all thought we were invincible.that anything was possible. it still is...but you have to consult Higher HQ before you can carry out what you wanna do.

robbie william's Angels is the song running through my head when i first came into armour. i suppose i needed something, anything, to hold on to. its strange; whenever times are hard, you always mistakenly think that it's never gonna end. but that's not true. if anything else, i've learnt that the one thing that never changes is that all things come to an end eventually. so i guess that is a source of comfort. and its how we carry ourselves during these times that make us who we are.

other songs. like the one that takes me to Lido, with its popcorn smells and energetic bustles and guys in uniform after school looking at girls in uniform after school.

and the one that's halfway between RJ and ACJC. that transition period. i remember it was raining, and we were in the A huts. cuddled up and with lynn teaching and we were cocking around as usual...and the song was playing in my discman.

theres one for canoeing finals, and the last time i ever rowed. and one for beginnings. one for lost loves and one for going out with my family (which always makes me feel a certain way. a bit of boredom, mixed with dread but also tinged with some bits of happiness and gentle resignation.)

i dont go out with my family anymore these days. i wonder where im going.

Boredom's in the back room, shaking out the loose teeth
Sally's in the stirrups, claiming her own destiny
and nobody nowhere understands anything; about me
and all my dreams

lost at sea

-'Stumbleine' The Smashing Pumpkins, Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness

i feel old

wow, its been a while since i've last blogged....5 months in fact. and i wonder why im here all over again.

for a period of time, ive been really busy. im still busy. in fact, im busier than before and all im thinking now is that its been one hell of a roller coaster ride. from heaven to hell to heaven and back again until i dont even know which way is up or down anymore.

im halfway through my course in OCS and i feel old. i feel as if ive aged 2 or 3 years. i feel as if im 21 or 23 but im not. im 19 years, 7 months old, almost to the day and its only been 8 months since ive stepped into the army.

people in the army look older. they act older. sometimes. sometimes they act retarded, especially people in charge of other people. i pray everytime that im in charge that i treat others with kindness and compassion and with understanding. and that i put in more than my fair share of work. those bastards.

so many things have happened in these short five months.
ive learnt how to lead, just a little bit more.
ive led guys to greater heights, at least i think i did and i believe i did.
ive failed and fallen, pretty hard.
i got back together and i broke up again and that really tore me up cos i really thought we had a chance. and it almost destroyed me. almost.
i came back from my depression and now im all burnt out and im wondering when this is ever going to end.

im burnt out.

i need relief but if anything, we are going to be pushed harder than before. ive got my friends, but theyre new and untested, not like the strong bonds we had back in Foxtrot safti. time to build bonds again. they say you arent really a leader unless you invest an emotional stake in your guys. people get burnt.

and i suppose ive learned a lot. from talking to a lot of people, older than me, wiser than me. my majors, my sergeant major (who screwed me good for being a pussy).

most of all i think ive learnt just a little bit more about what its like out there. people arent gonna sit you down and talk to you nicely out of your troubles. theyre there to put you down when you cant go any lower and all you can really do is keep your chin up and keep fighting. and keep smiling and laughing.

my whole life is the army now. i feel alienated from the rest of the world. when i book out, i look at crowds with new eyes. im surprised to see so many colours, so many faces, females...
i know now that war is a terrible thing and if an army camp can do this kinda shit to you, then war must be a million times worse. if you arent in the army, chances are that its gonna be hard for me to talk to you on a conversational level (but we can always try)

its been intense, emotional and...long?
brunei, biang, spade, tekong, patrol field camp section field camp leadershipfieldcamp sleepovers runs moments of joy shared moments of anguish. girlfriends. girlfriends who break up with you. girlfriends who break up with your mate when he planned a whole fucking social night dinner for her. bitch. everyones problem is your problem. and vice versa.

sometimes i think my ocs life ended in foxtrot safti and a new one is beginning in sungei gedong, where im posted as an armour officer cadet.

sometimes i think people just need an outlet for all their frustrations. its been a long time.

if you wanna hear about all the stories, its gonna take many nights and many cups of coffee before all is said and done.

all in all, i think we've all grown just a little bit wiser, and maybe a little bit more bitter about things as well.

such is life.