random thoughts

army half marathon today , after a whole week of shit and morale sucking activity.

sometimes i think that they train your mind here and not your body. physically its not that tough, like infantry but mentally you feel very trapped and claustrophobic. like it never ends. it never ends.

but we're almost used to it. if you dont think so much it goes away, for a while.

we used to live week by week, then day by day and now its mealtime by mealtime. when will this ever end?

just today i was talking to Jason and Nonis. met them ol buddies at the half marathon. Foxtrot platoon 2. times have changed but the people are the same. Jason is in running for the sword of honour, but i wonder who is going to save him from himself sometimes haha. he exudes this air of earnestness and yet at the same time he is also very...vulnerable. ive never known anyone with as much heart as jason. his heart rules him. and thank god it does because its so refreshing to talk to such people.

i wish you all the very best guys. i really hope to see you all on the parade square. we'd smile and laugh and grab each other and the moment will never ever ever end. not in our minds and not in our memories. and for this chance of making that happen we must perservere onwards.

after i told him about our training, jason exclaimed that he was darn glad that he is not in armour haha., he also got pissed cos "infantry is so pussy! we must do something about it!"

sigh, the male ego never fails to astound me. but still, competition is good for the soul. and theyd never beat us in terms of eating shit.

it was really great meeting up with you guys again.

as usual had the usual chit chat with jo and jianwei at TCC. i think we;ve made the place our unofficial meeting ground and chill out place. the drinks and food are just so good there haha.

were on a quest to discover singapore again. we've had many lobangs but just no time to fulfill all of them. thats why i must get commissioned soon so i can have more free time (and rights)

its strange how you know some people are lifelong friends because you can just sit down and talk about anything and everything.

its also scary how you can also do something wrong or have a change in heart, attitudes and values and then go your seperate ways. i hope that doesnt happen. life changes too much sometimes for its own good and even though i acknowledge that change is good for the soul and mind, too much of it is just so draining at times.

sometimes i feel 23 and sometimes i feel 17. im 19 and im not quite sure where its going, as usual.

maybe we all dont know where were going, just that some people are better at pretending that they know where theyre going. maybe i should ask my mom if she knows, although i know shell tell me she knows shes going to heaven.

one more week, back to camp. life goes on...it has to end someday.

isnt it ironic

how people say one thing and do another?

how man seeks to dominate other people, whether consciously or unconsciously?

a few things make me pissed off. inequality (even though i agree it must exist) is one of them. and so is unequal treatment.

take this example:

a warrant asks me to come back at 430 pm to get a vehicle. i set my alarm for 425 so i have time to get there. i do section drills with my sectionmates under guidance of an officer.

at 425 i tell the officer i have to go and acquire the vehicle for practise tomorrow and that i need one more guy to come with me. he tells me to get someone from the other section (who has already finished the drills) to go with me. i need the guy cos we arent allowed to drive around the compound without a ground guide.

i go to the other section and they are having some competition or something that will not affect their knowledge of the drills. just playing time for them. so i ask one of them to help me and they tell me they cant do it. they say go a little later, wait till we're done.

the time now is around 445. im 15 minutes late cos i cant get a guy to come with me. i go back to the officer and i tell him i need someone fast. he tells me to call the other sections who happen to be having lessons somewhere else. they arent free. nobody can come, so it seems. and this vehicle happens to be a key vehicle used for tomorrow's exercise.

i get pissed and start swearing (under my breath) and i flash a finger to the other section. finally, im able to get one of my guys to come with me.

this incident might seem pretty small if not for a few things that some ppl said.

"aiyah dont worry la, lieutenant higher rank than warrant. just say sir needs you to do section drills"

and also
"er...a bit late nevermind right" (my officer)

ladies and gentlemen, we were half an hour late when i finally got there. half an hour in military terms is amount to suicide.

my question to them is... if someone is of lower rank, does he deserve the same amount of respect as someone who is supposedly "higher up"?

and if officers are so concerned about timings and they fuck everyone around them when timings are not met (even for a minute or so), then why are they not adhering to a simple timing themselves?

the situation is always like this. people higher up are not aware of the shit that percolates down. and if they are aware of it then they should go to hell because they arent doing anything about it.

i realise its damn easy to just slack off when youre at the top but then if you are going to slack off then please dont feed me bullshit about pride and honour and glory and working for your men when you yourself are looking pretty in the mirror when other people are sweating out there in the hot sun and getting screwed.

most of the time, i get the feeling that people in charge dont really know what is going on. at all. i dont want to name names, but the simple fact is that i was assigned 3 different positions and responsibilities and they all changed within a few minutes of each other with other people taking over me. he was simply calling names and people to meet supply and demand without taking into note the bigger picture. (sounds complex but its really very simple. he cant fucking make up his mind as to what he wants to do)

fucking people is a distraction. it is supposed to make up for lack of ability and ignorance. in terms of man management, the army is probably the worst place to go if you want things to get done effectively.

how does saying "fuck you understand" to a person in push up position make up for efficiency, lost time and work done?

also, there seems to be a need to act big in front of so called "men". corporals or sergeants or warrants.

there were other guys with us there at the training site undergoing the same training as us. corporals and sergeants. attached to us.

our in charge had a field day. talking macho big words. cussing, swearing, exuding so much testosterone that if you looked closely, he appeared to be gently steaming.

in front of them, he gestured towards them with an open palm;

"guys, you know who these people are?"
"these people are men"

he might as well have called them chickens, or beef steak.

"they are watching you, so if you fuck around, theyre gonna laugh at you"

at this point of time, a few of them rolled their eyes.

i didnt know where the hell to cover my face. i cant believe that im part of this bullshit.

and then later some other even higher up person comes along and he tells us that we are a "special breed of men" with "IQs of above 100" and "the top 10% of the top 10% from dunno where and when"

who gives a shit when i dont think anybody will be fighting for the top 10% of the top 10% anytime soon with that kinda attitude.

the best part is that some of them actually believe it. they actually buy into it. that they really are that great. fuck you, understand.

just because you want to chiong. doesnt mean that others want to as well. people think that just because they want to do this, others will wanna do it as well. it becomes dangerous and irritating when you have others under you and you think you are god's gift to mankind.

sigh. i can go on and on and on. so many examples.

the ironic thing is that he told me that i could make a difference. i could Not be what i hated. i could make things better for others.

only time will tell.

have you ever had situations in which you recalled details of your past because you suddenly thought of a song? or a place. or maybe even a particular fruit.

nostalgia is that small ache in the hollow of your tummy. cos you know you cant ever ever go back again. you cant ever ever experience things the same way, talk to the same people the same way anymore. and that hurts. a bit.

quite lately, whenever i turn my zen micro on, ive constantly been sent back through time and i find that i link certain songs to certain periods in my life. take this for example: Eve 6's Here's To the Nights makes me feel like the end of service term, when we all split up and went our seperate ways... and we all didnt want to leave but we all knew we had to.

and i can still remember the night i played that song over the speakers to adrian and nikhil. and how for just one moment we all sat in silence, thinking. now nikhil has disrupted and is reading Medicine. and Adrian, the one with the most drive and potential of us all, has ooc-ed. strained nerve in his hand from Spade. sometimes i also think that life has a way of bringing you back down to earth. we all thought we were invincible.that anything was possible. it still is...but you have to consult Higher HQ before you can carry out what you wanna do.

robbie william's Angels is the song running through my head when i first came into armour. i suppose i needed something, anything, to hold on to. its strange; whenever times are hard, you always mistakenly think that it's never gonna end. but that's not true. if anything else, i've learnt that the one thing that never changes is that all things come to an end eventually. so i guess that is a source of comfort. and its how we carry ourselves during these times that make us who we are.

other songs. like the one that takes me to Lido, with its popcorn smells and energetic bustles and guys in uniform after school looking at girls in uniform after school.

and the one that's halfway between RJ and ACJC. that transition period. i remember it was raining, and we were in the A huts. cuddled up and with lynn teaching and we were cocking around as usual...and the song was playing in my discman.

theres one for canoeing finals, and the last time i ever rowed. and one for beginnings. one for lost loves and one for going out with my family (which always makes me feel a certain way. a bit of boredom, mixed with dread but also tinged with some bits of happiness and gentle resignation.)

i dont go out with my family anymore these days. i wonder where im going.

Boredom's in the back room, shaking out the loose teeth
Sally's in the stirrups, claiming her own destiny
and nobody nowhere understands anything; about me
and all my dreams

lost at sea

-'Stumbleine' The Smashing Pumpkins, Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness

i feel old

wow, its been a while since i've last blogged....5 months in fact. and i wonder why im here all over again.

for a period of time, ive been really busy. im still busy. in fact, im busier than before and all im thinking now is that its been one hell of a roller coaster ride. from heaven to hell to heaven and back again until i dont even know which way is up or down anymore.

im halfway through my course in OCS and i feel old. i feel as if ive aged 2 or 3 years. i feel as if im 21 or 23 but im not. im 19 years, 7 months old, almost to the day and its only been 8 months since ive stepped into the army.

people in the army look older. they act older. sometimes. sometimes they act retarded, especially people in charge of other people. i pray everytime that im in charge that i treat others with kindness and compassion and with understanding. and that i put in more than my fair share of work. those bastards.

so many things have happened in these short five months.
ive learnt how to lead, just a little bit more.
ive led guys to greater heights, at least i think i did and i believe i did.
ive failed and fallen, pretty hard.
i got back together and i broke up again and that really tore me up cos i really thought we had a chance. and it almost destroyed me. almost.
i came back from my depression and now im all burnt out and im wondering when this is ever going to end.

im burnt out.

i need relief but if anything, we are going to be pushed harder than before. ive got my friends, but theyre new and untested, not like the strong bonds we had back in Foxtrot safti. time to build bonds again. they say you arent really a leader unless you invest an emotional stake in your guys. people get burnt.

and i suppose ive learned a lot. from talking to a lot of people, older than me, wiser than me. my majors, my sergeant major (who screwed me good for being a pussy).

most of all i think ive learnt just a little bit more about what its like out there. people arent gonna sit you down and talk to you nicely out of your troubles. theyre there to put you down when you cant go any lower and all you can really do is keep your chin up and keep fighting. and keep smiling and laughing.

my whole life is the army now. i feel alienated from the rest of the world. when i book out, i look at crowds with new eyes. im surprised to see so many colours, so many faces, females...
i know now that war is a terrible thing and if an army camp can do this kinda shit to you, then war must be a million times worse. if you arent in the army, chances are that its gonna be hard for me to talk to you on a conversational level (but we can always try)

its been intense, emotional and...long?
brunei, biang, spade, tekong, patrol field camp section field camp leadershipfieldcamp sleepovers runs moments of joy shared moments of anguish. girlfriends. girlfriends who break up with you. girlfriends who break up with your mate when he planned a whole fucking social night dinner for her. bitch. everyones problem is your problem. and vice versa.

sometimes i think my ocs life ended in foxtrot safti and a new one is beginning in sungei gedong, where im posted as an armour officer cadet.

sometimes i think people just need an outlet for all their frustrations. its been a long time.

if you wanna hear about all the stories, its gonna take many nights and many cups of coffee before all is said and done.

all in all, i think we've all grown just a little bit wiser, and maybe a little bit more bitter about things as well.

such is life.

shackles

and as usual, as life works its little tricks and magic again, i find myself in ocs. the exact place where i was working so hard not to go, i end up in.

people get culture shocks, i got a culture meltdown. just about everything there goes against what i believe in. basically, they believe in the 7 core values and they drill that into you. although you get a lot more autonomy than in bmt, there is always the feeling that you will get fucked for the slightest error.

and when u do u get it badly. march improperly and you get 3 weekends burnt. confinement is dished out like free and even book out timings are not fixed. we were supposed to book out at about 430 but ended up coming out at 730 cos of slow movement and area cleaning. shit like that. and we book in the next day.

they tell you that they expect 100% all the time. get serious man, no human being can give 100% all the damn time. if u can than i think you are godlike. people need to relax every once in a while. at least, normal people do.

even the OC is damn particular. we were singing damn loudly and then he stopped us and told us to "sing from yuour hearts, not scream" cos "it sounds different". kaninah u fucking sing la.

standards here are much higher. we are expected to lead everyone. platoon sergeant, platoon commander, CDO and CDS duties are all handled by us. we run the whole damn company literally. and also, cos in my company we are currently the only platoon occupying, we also clean the whole damn building.

the people here are so on that turnouts and fire drills dunt work on us cos we anticipate them. we made the fire drill in 2 min 6 seconds. for turnout, we agreed to wake up at 430 am to do area cleaning before falling in so when the lieutenant came up to turn us out he saw a bunch of people walking about and ready.

i noticed that despite the high ideals that we are supposed to live up to, most ppl do things quickly or efficiently cos they dunt want to be fucked. its a mentality carried over from bmt. they dunt really think about efficiency or how to make life better for everyone. its chiong all the way, even our instructors are surprised that we are so good.

how long can you keep this up? if things dunt get done, our i/c fucks us. imagine, someone your age fucking you. if course you will be buay song la. im alright with it cos i understand where they are coming from, but that doesnt mean i like it one bit. tension is already there and its only 3 days for god's sake. dunt they realise that by setting the bar so high initially, once it drops cos ppl are tired it will become VERY obvious.

bunches of ppl already hate the i/c. we have 4 bruneians and my bunkmate is one of them. very hardworking, polite and pleasant people but even my bunkmate hates the i/c cos he "talks too much" and does nothing. if u can piss off a regular in the royal brunei armed forces within 3 days then i think there just might be a small problem as to how things are being handled.

ideals ideals. everything goes to shit when u get posted to a unit. in ocs, of course its easy to get ppl to do things, cos everyone is so scared of going OOC (out of course) that they will kill to survive here. but in unit, everyone wants to fucking bookout(including me) so of course the same strategy wunt work. and the more u fuck them, the more they will fuck you back, being men.

the instructors are good though. especially one lieutenant in particular. he is from the ADF, a small guy, shorter than me and smalle rin stature but i have the most respect for him. funny huh, how i respect small people, ud think larger ppl have a bigger impact.

in any case, he told us that loyalty to country is bullshit and we probably dunt feel it. but when the time comes "u will feel it, trust me". he speaks from experience cos he was activated for some mission somewhere in the world. within one week, he had to take 30 men to a hotspot in a life or death situation, take care of 1 million dollars worth of equipment and get everyone back in one piece. the amount of responsibilty is crazy.

he also moved out of his house and lived alone for 2 years to see how it is like. he failed his a levels and failed his ranger course too cos the load was simply too heavy for him (i estimate hes about 46 to 48 kilos only) but hes definitely big in heart.

he doesnt suscribe to wayang bullshit, gives leeway and is damn efficient. he would rather get things done and move fast rather than spend loads of time on making it super perfect. in other words, he understand what works and what doesnt and whatever is simply bells and whistles he just cuts out, which is how i feel an officer should be like, practical, not idealistic. nobody is asking u to build a castle in the sky.

its all about image as well. everything must be good. to show off. even the things we say, that we are the best and the elite....is about showing off. they call it pride. i call it stupidity cos if u tell everyone ure good then u damn well better be excellent. and if u cannot live up to it, then how?

leadership is lonely at the top. there is only 1 PC. if u are a sergeant, u have at least 4 to 6 other guys in the same situation. if ure an officer, its pretty much mano a mano. when the shit hits the fan, ure all alone and you have to account for 30 men. thats some major fucked up bullshit going on here. the weight is...very great. its so easy to become half fucked its not even funny anymore.

i look at my bmtc officers and now i realise their situation. its so easy to let standards slip cos if u push too high and too hard, your men will hate u like fuck. if u drop too much, your OC will come down and fuck you from the top. damn.

in a way although it sounds like shit and it most definitely is like shit, i cant help but feel i will grow and learn from this. no point staying in a situation where i will be comfortable in, like in men or being a sergeant. its too easy to chiongsua without responibility. the best officers chiong with their men, and then take care of them after everyone gets back. and then after that, they die alone in their beds. respect. i hope i can be like that.

but im not kidding anyone here, i would rather let other ppl die first. maybe that will change.

full circle

as i sat there in the auditorium. listening, looking, waiting for my name to be read out, i couldnt help but think that JC is truly a dream. i'd already known my results beforehand so the surprise wasnt there anymore, but that doesnt mean i was any less pleased than i should be.

never in my dreams would i have expected all As and especially so for econs, which i don't recall passing at all during my time in acjc. maybe this is truly the ac spirit that they were talking about...performing during crunch time, but slacking at all other times haha.

still, as i sat there, i thanked God. and then i wondered why i thanked him. it was almost instinctive, this thanking of him and so remiscient of that time in p6, when the results were being read out and i was again shot into the clouds. its a great feeling, to feel like you were 12 again and knwoing that you still have a future and you dont have to go the long hard way.

how singaporean, to base my happiness on my results but then again it is more than just the results. its the fact that i somehow unknowingly, by serendipity or just plain dumb luck, have triumphed. over my doubts and fears that JC life will just be as screwed up as secondary school life was. that i would always be the loser. i proved to my parents that i am not a loser but i think the most important thing is that i also proved to myself that i am not a loser and that i can do things with belief.

Belief is such a strong thing. i remember back then, we were all fighting. fighting to win the championship, fighting to keep our grades, fighting to keep our heads above water and high and dry. i remember my grades dropping and dropping and....was there any pressure? i do not think i was pressured internally but externally there was a lot of pressure on me to quit canoeing, to give up my dreams. they asked me to reduce my training, to turn more time to studies. i guess that thought never crossed my mind. it was all or nothing. if training was reduced we would never have achieved what we did.

so out of everything, the girlfriend had to go i guess. and i think it was probably the best and boldest decision that i made at that point of time, along with the decision to carry on rowing. one month before the exams, we broke up. cos of pressures, cos we were incompatible, cos of...

they say fortune favours the bold. and in this case, it really does. life was always a game to be played. if u take it too seriously you'd just be a very bitter person. so we all played and in the end, we all won. by some roll of the dice, by some tinge of luck mixed with some regret, we won.

interestingly, only she and me were the only canoeists to go on stage to receive our certificates cos we both got 3 distinctions. i find that amusing because my econs teacher was saying how couples break up just before the a levels and then they self destruct. but then we werent an ordinary couple, were we dear? somehow the mental strength in training passed on to our lives and maybe that helped us some.

i also remember that before jc started i set out a few goals. that i would throw myself into my cca. not necessarily my studies but canoeing was for me an expression of myself. it exemplifies belief and perserverence and dreams coming true. and the dream has come true. it really has. who says you cannot have the best of both worlds? as long as you believe in yourself and the people around you, great things can always happen. and they did.

our guys did good. we really did. the band of brothers. the bunch of slackers. the horny bastards. the lazy layabouts. we came through when it really mattered and in the end, i bet we still didnt know how the hell we did it (but who cares)

i feel that ive come full circle. somehow i feel completed. that i have left a little bit more of the angsty child behind. that the broken child, after the events of sec school, can once again look to the stars. that my demons are finally left to rest. and i can give rj the finger.

heres to our teachers, mr lynn, mr how(e), miss ganga, mr sinclair ang, miss jaime tan, miss michelle wong, miss liao, miss lai and of course, the unforgettable Madam (who lets me sleep in her class)

and to our band of brothers again, for which support i could not ever do without and who opened my mind to another culture and another way of thinking. i have grown because of this.

and yes, to you, yina. for teaching me more about myself than i would like to admit. you probably wouldnt read this but i have a feeling that i will see you again someday. we arent star crossed lovers but we are both firmly on the ground.

Far Far Away in the South China Sea

its almost time to go.

11 more days to POP (passing out parade). 5 more days to A level results. where will we go from here?

its almost as if life likes playing tricks on us, isnt it? just when you start thinking that life is stable, the inevitable curveball comes and messes things up again. and you wonder why. sometimes you get so so tired, but then everyone does. its just like a route march, with the full pack on your back and your shoulders burning. a burden to be carried, this life of ours.

in the full pack are the items you need for survival in the field. so in a way it is also your blessing, your saviour of sorts. such is the irony of life, that it is both a burden and a gift as well. and we carry it on our backs, just like we carry the weight of the world on our shoulders and the ... weight of our memories.

BMT is almost over. just like that. as usual, time slips past us like the thief in the night, like the cotton seed in the breeze, like the shadows in the night.

as i sat in the fast craft, jetting slowly away from the pier; the artificial beaches rushing past. the waves rolling past. the sun slowly setting over us all, i couldnt help but feel what everyone else in BMT is surely feeling. nobody really talks about it (cos were guys) but there is this sense of loss. that things and life will never be the same again.

and how could it be, that we were once young, brash, foolish boys who came in. and we are still young foolish and brash but it is also tinged by some more compassion, a little more streetsmarts and a touch of sadness...

of times that are once again going to be lost.

one of my best mates in my platoon expressed his sadness at everyone splitting up and going their different ways. to which i told him the inevitable "that's life" and "i may never see you again" scenerios.

and in the end, as i sat in that boat, far far away in the south china sea, with the tv stuttering, the people muttering and others falling fast asleep...

i watched the sun set. and remembered that it also had to rise the next day.