purple light

ns is ... so many things. its pretty hard to write about cos the thoughts dont stay in your head. there is no time to write them all down cos you chiong almost all the time.

at first when u get in, its a little things that get you down. no personal freedom, having to greet and salute, having to march, having to live together. you feel like crap and you just want to go home so badly.

then a few days later, it becomes routine. wake up in the morning and its fucking cold. you stagger to the bathroom and 14 other people are in there, bent over 6 sinks. the shit from the 3 blocked up toilets fills the air with their putrid scent. the urine pools in one of the blocked urinals. good morning.

cold water slaps your face and your bleary eyes start to open. walk out and its even more cold. water wicking the heat away from your skin. you want to crawl back into bed but you cant cos youd get fucked.

march down 3 flights of stairs. fall in. water parade and you force water into your empty stomach. you imagine your stomach is a bag and your throat is a tube. it goes it cos gravity pulls it down. you switch your mind off cos youd taste the chlorine and gag if you didnt.

stuff like this i guess. army is a lot more welfare than our parents time, but i guess along with the welfare comes more of a philosophical outing. you sorta learn to sympathise with the sergeants

OC gets fucked by over pampering parents. OC fucks PC. PC fucks sergeant. sergeant fucks us. so in the end, if your parents complain cos they think you get too little sleep (eg), youd get fucked for it.

you sympathise with the sergeants, well at least mine, cos they dunt really give you that much stick for it. they take it as part of their job and im pretty surprised by their level of professionalism. theyre only 22, for god's sake. im 19. but theyre the boss, no questions asked.

my platoon is blessed with good sergeants and a good pc that understands that the army is full of bullshit rules and doctrines and charging but they still have to live by it. everyone does. i will not pretend to udnerstand why they do it cos everyone ahs their own reasons but my PS told me he does it to serve his country. might be propaganda, might be a way of consoling himself. might even be true.

in the army, you learn a lot of things. you learn how to care for another guy. you learn how to slack. you learn how to avoid being fucked. you learn how to do things without being seen.

but ive only been in here fo 2 weeks, theres still more shit to come. my company is a damn slack company cos i think we have a few white horses ehre and there, but field camp is coming and i anticipate lotsa being screwed over by commanders.

i guess guys are bonded by ns cos well, they go througha lot in it. it doesnt have to be tough, but it is. its not about being tough or rough or whatever. its about coming together during fucked up times and making the best of it. and all the funny things that come out of fucked up times.

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on a side note, i went for airforce medical today and was diagnosed with a "prolonged QT syndrome" which is a heart defect. im pretty surprised. but apparently, stress, physical activity or nothing at all can lead to sudden death do to my heart beating too fast for its normal rhythm.

i have a feeling they screwed up the test but im still worried. its like finding out youve been handicapped all your life and you might pay for it. very sian.

theres only one way to check right? ive got to run like a mad man again. lets give them extreme stress. speaking of which, my lips have not turned blue since i left RJ so long ago.....

the things they carried

hmm, im going in tomorrow at approximately 1145 hours.

i feel...nothing. well, a little bit of excitement maybe cos its unknown and its a challenge and a change of lifestyle.

i think of all the potential shit that will happen and im apprehensive as well. my mom told me in the car not to start any fights, if not kena DB (detention barracks). i ask her why, im not particularly hot-headed...am i? mommy knows best.

im scared some sergeant will scream at me and ill snap and give him one in the face. its highly likely but i think if i go through this scenerio often enough in my head, when the situation comes ill be able to handle it. i cant take bullshit very well im afraid.

im also scared that my bunk in tekong will be haunted. there are stories and yea, its a nagging thing at the back of my head that only comes at night. guess ill have to pee b4 lights out no matter the cost haha. either that or scamper off to the bathroom as fast as i can.

sounds like what a kid would be afraid of yea? but i guess were all kids inside to some degree. apart from this, im also scared that i wunt be able to eat fast enough and thuis become damn thin and tired. (20 min for eating only, including lining up and chionging there)

so i guess i carry these little bits and pieces of adolescant fear with me in. they say boys turn into men in the army. i dunt think so. i think boys turn into law abiding, god fearing, boot licking mindless ants in the army. i will become one too. soon, i will come out with total fear of the law, like all good law abiding singaporeans should possess. i will believe that settling down and earning your pay is the sole aim of life and i will do my best to achieve it, sir yes sir. you better believe this change is coming.

i hope i dunt get into a chiong platoon or company. where stand by bed is everyday and arseholes chiong their asses off cos they want to impress the sergeant and get into OCS. theyre all wankers, all of em. i firmly believe that if ure good enough, ull get in. theres no need to bootlick and kiss ass. just do your best. if ure like me and you dunt particularly care where you end up in, at least not some mind numbing guard duty like vocation, then you are more than welcome to slack with me right at the back.

i guess army is also a good time for me to get fit. its time for the Eco, boys and girls. and the very first step is to get fit enough so you wont pass out in the middle of it. so wish me luck, as i try to emulate kelvin tan's footsteps. maybe we'll even beat those american bastards...

but yes, back to NS. its like losing your friends all over again. already, numbers are dwindling. ppl like joseph ting are feeling lonely. i feel lonely too, everyones mostly in right now. its gonna be my turn soon. its like youre at the top of the roller coaster ride waiting in line to get in. there will be thrills and spills and sometimes you feel like puking and you wish you never got on. but you cant stop halfway can you? so you sit and pray and maybe you start to enjoy it after all.

and then, 2 years later, the ride is over and you get off, with shaky legs you return to civilian life and somehow youre wiser. at least thats how i hope the story will play out. only time will tell eh?

civilian life, im gonna miss it. jianwei told me to get mentally prepared before i go in cos "the next two years of youre life is gonna be like that". adhering to a regimented schedule. no freedom, no mucking about. cheebye! and im going in with the JC batch, which is notorious for chionging, unlike the much slacker poly batch and the super off ITE batch. well, get over it.

am i mentally prepared? maybe. i dunt think the full extent will hit me till three days later in camp, when i wake up in the middle of the night and i need to pee and im afraid to go to the toilet, ill think....fuckkk! this is gonna be my life for the next 2 years. and then ill heck care and just go anyway cos my bladder is gonna burst soon.

so two weeks later, watch this space cos two weeks later, a boy has gotten on the roller coaster ride and hes about to tell you how shitty it is.

theme song as i go in: Seven Nation Army, by the White Stripes. i fought to this music, just to let you know.

moments

wow, lifes really going at full pace nowadays...from the all nighter with joseph, ben, alex, bern, marcus an nick on new years eve/day to the soccer night with beer and all with my mates to soccer with ben's church which ended with an unfortunate and accidental muay thai knee and split head haha. hope the fellas ok now.

this is a typical blog entry because ther has been no time to think and no time to reflect, so little days left to enlistment in ns, no time to breathe. its just go go go all the time, go out with friends, soccer, church, family, birthday celebration, no rest and im so fatigued that sometimes i think i would just drop dead but somehow it has also ignited a corresponding passion for life.

seems like i am only alive when i am doing things. i guess its pretty much the same for everyone else. everyone likes being busy, well, at busy doing the things they like. do they give meaning to your life? i dunno. i guess what im doing now does give some meaning to my life. i can at least classify it as the "after a levels and before ns" period of time that i will forever remember as a time of fun in the sun with good mates and better activities.

funny huh? i thought that mindless activity like this would be meaningless but there have always been moments in between with much meaning in them.

like this one.

i was in church last sunday and my youth pastor came up to me and told me that they 2were going to pray for all the guys going into NS, which is like me and one other guy.

he looked at me straight in the eye and said :"we're gonna pray for all the guys going into NS so dont run away....dont run away..ok?"

i guess i saw it on two levels. superficially speaking, i always zao church and i rarely go down for cell group cos well...im not christian. those who are close to me will know my situation. but i guess spiritually i felt it on another level as well. its something like a half plea, half advice kinda thing. like he sorta knows that ive already turned my back on it and that hes trying to get me to change my mind. only time will tell if the path i took is the one that was meant for me to take.

he said it with a straight face but his face was tinged with a touch of sadness...or maybe i was reading a little too much into it as usual. hes usually a cheery youth pastor but he turns serious and almost morose when he speaks to me. perhaps cos i hardly speak at all in church. i dunt really talk to anybody and i keep to myself. its wierd and you kinda feel all alone which is ironic cos in church, nobody is supposed to feel all alone. but i do.

and its a cycle that just repeats itself again and again. how long will it be before something, anything happens?

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heres another moment.

on new years eve, we were all at the esplanade. joseph, ben, marcus, bern, nick and i. alex came later.

but thats just the location and the characters involved. there was a live band playing and they were pretty good but i sat on the siderails. the ones bordering the kallang river where it opens up to the sea. the one with the docks just behind it. the one with the CBD just behind it, with the OUB building and the merlion glowing softly in the night. the lights reflecting off the water. and the water itself was strangely calm and undulating.


there was a bridge. that bridge. the one where we rowed as one team during Junefest. and there was the other bridge, where our hopes were raised and dashed just like the waves dashed against the breakwaters lining the bay area. its funny at times like this...you think to yourself...was it worth it? and you remember their faces. the juniors, sitting at the back, shit scared. its their first junefest and theyve just screwed up nationals big time. morale is at an all time low. the starter is lining up the boats and theyre shit scared. theyre scared to fail, just like anybody is, really.

the seniors are mostly in front. pek hongs in front of me. terence is besides him. shiwei rows besides me. lionel is behind him. i forget who rowed behind me. i think it was auggie but im not too sure...such are the tricks memory and time play on us. i look behind and the juniors are shit scared at the back. weiyuan's quiet like he always is under pressure. people are different. some ppl fire up under pressure. others go into a protective shell. others lash out at others. weve been trained not to lash out at each other. so some go into their shells. its ok cos its their thing and theyre focused on the task in front of them. but not when the juniors are shit scared. not when ppl need guidance.

im scared too. not scared as in piss in your pants scared. im scared cos i dunt want to fuck up. im scared cos deep inside me, i dont know if everyone in the boat will go out 100%. im scared cos if they dunt go out 100% things will majorly fuck up.im scared cos i know the juniors will not go out 100%.

its a funny thing, being in a dragonboat. to row properly, you must first trust yourself. if you trust yourself and you know you are doing your best, the thought of other people not rowing their hardest or doing their best will not enter your mind. if youve always rowed your best, youd be confident in your ability and in others abilities. the trouble comes when you dunt always row your best cos other ppl are slacking or other people are complaining or not doing their part. its a cyclical arguement. its a give and take situation. its a recipe for disaster.

and if you dont know you are going to row your best and if you dunt know if other people are going to row their best, you wont do it. its really that simple. there are no two ways about it. its pretty hard to cover up in a dragonboat. sure, u can bluff everyone but you cant bluff yourself.

and so i sat there and i remembered myself shouting at the juniors. i tell them to wake up and be strong. i tell them to row as one and fire them up. i see their sluggish faces. all you have to do is look into a guy's eyes and you will nkow for certain if he has what it takes. i look at them and my heart sinks cos i know they are overawed. and theyre fucking scared.

let me tell you a secret. its my first june fest too. we didnt row junefest back in J1 cos of SARS. i have absolutely no experience as far as the conditions are concerned. does that make me shit scared as well? sure it does. but youre a senior and you cant let em see you shaking. its a policy we have. never let them see you sweat. never let them see you break down. youre something of a superhuman to them. youre mythical.

so you take comfort in your teammates. i turned to terence.

"are you ready for hell?"

and sooner than you think, faster than you know, quicker than your heart is ready, the horn goes off.

your brain goes blank. its a whiteout and animal instinct takes over. fear channels into pure need. the need to release the pressure and frustration and fear and hopes and dreams and everything in between.

there is a split second pause between the whiteout and the adrenal rush. your muscles that felt fatigued and sluggish before now kick start into action. the first pull is the most powerful one, meant to break the inertia of the boat. the water churns up and a mini tidal wave forms behinds everyones paddle. a dull thud registers. if you have ever been in a dragonboat that kick starts powerfully, the feeling of a start is something to be experienced. its like a mini explosion of power. you can hear it even cos the air bubbles driven into the water impact against the hull of the boat. the dragon awakes.

too sluggish. much too sluggish. some of em havent woken up yet...already the other boats are pulling away after the first 10 strokes or so. those are boats with men inside them and we are merely boys. but the dragonboat has always been more about heart than it is about physical strength.

the waves are high and our dragonboat rocks from side to side. steering is an art and any minor mistake is costly. our coxen holds us straight and we bite the waves. straight on, into hell, muscles burning, lungs heaving.

we're young and high, we'll never die. we're young and high, we'll never die.

when the dragonboat hits the waves, on side is pushed up and the other is pushed down. paddles dig into air and coordination is lost. this means that maximum force isnt being pushed into the water from all the paddles working simultaneously. the other side digs into the water and their muscles burn more. water pours into the boat. we arent sinking, but we arent flying either. and then it drops down and a wave catches you in the face. you cant see nuts and you have to coordinate with the fella in front of you. shoulders burning, past past the wave. spit, spit, blink hard cos the salt is stinging your eyes.

a foot slips on the slippery floor and you lose your base for a second or so. the boat loses your strokes for a second or so. fuckup. press on, it aint over yet.

a voice hollers, hang on to your paddles! dont lose em! (or well be disqualified). the paddles are new and shiny. theyre also motherfucking slippery. a wave hits, its almost wrenched out of my grasp. it doesnt fly, but it turns sideways. readjust, dig in. strokes getting shorter, people getting tired. the coach blows the whistle. kenneth blows the whistle. its a signal for a hard 10 strokes, full stretch. you fucking hate this whistle cos your bloody tired and you gotta give it your all.

1...2...10 and you wished it was all over. its on fire right now. press on, dig in. force the body to recover.

let me tell you another secret. everyone thinks of giving up. everyone. from the most incompetent amateur to the world's best maestro, everyone thinks of giving up at one point of time or another.

heres another secret. you can think all this and you do think all this but the choice is always yours to take. and sometimes, people can give up and then come back again...all in the space of a few minutes in the race.

so we rowed, with our hopes and dreams and lives and loves and bodies and soul and wishes and .... was it worth it?

cos the last secret is ... we didnt win the race. well, some of us won and some of us lost, thats a more accurate statement i guess.

my reverie was interrupted at this point of time by a security gard who asked me to get down fro the railing for fear of me falling over. into the kallang river, with my hopes and dreams and fears and lives and loves and bodies and souls and wishes...

and you know what? i asked myself if it was worth it. i did. i questioned the existence of a period of time in which i gave my all to an ideal and it didnt turn out the way i expected. not worse or better...just not the way i expected it to turn out.

life's funny right? you do everything right, or you think you do everything right and then you find out youre wrong, all along youre wrong wrong wrong, or maybe mistaken, or blinded.

and so you think about such times, again and again, especially when u visit those places where they once happened. you sit and sigh and people ask you why youre so quiet. actually, they dont. they cant be fucking bothered. but youd wish theyd ask you why you were quiet so you could tell them everything. they still dont ask, so you tell them anyway cos you have tog et it off your chest.

sometimes i wonder if we won that race. i cant remember, really. and if i told you we won itd be a lie and if i told you we lost, that would be a lie too.

but what i do remember was my juniors and they were shit scared and so was i. and we went into hell together. well, not Hell hell, but hell nonetheless.

and i remember now that i was sitting at the esplanade besides the bay on the railing remembering myself shouting at the juniors who were shit scared.

and i remember now that we won.

but hey, you cant really trust what ive said right? after all, i could have made this all up and wrote this down cos im just bored right now with nothing to do...

yea thats it.